"Can I 'ave a can of coke and a packet of chicken crisps?"
Well if you didn't already know it is the one sentence in the English language that exaggerates the Scouse accent to such an extent it that makes sandpaper seem smooth. It creates more throaty retches and saliva than anything I know and lends itself to those who seek to mimic my own Liverpool twang. Stick a 'like' or two (probably just after the 'ave and at the end of the sentence) and you'll have sufficient spray flying around to force any shop assistant to reach for their brollie... 'like'.
I love Scousers; they are inherently funny, sometimes without knowing it. Like my dad's mate on the docks, Coco (so-called because he was deemed a clown for a variety of reasons), who suggested avoiding a visit to one particular dock cafe for the following reason;
"Ah, don't go in there," he said, "nobody ever goes in there cos it's always chocker!"
"Chocker" for those of you who aren't familiar with the Scouse vernacular means 'very busy, to almost busting point'.
Likewise there was the the famous speech given by one particular Union Shop Steward, who urging the members to strike, gave the following impassioned plea;
"Comrades, I want you to use your ignition and vote for the industrial action recommended. And remember this, that an abstention is as bad as not voting at all."
God, it must have been a great place to work on the docks in Liverpool in its hay day or at least in the 60's and 70's. The pay was obviously shit, but what a laugh those guys had. The strange thing about it I suppose is that because of the class system that existed within education in this country at the time, there were so many men who were intellectually capable of far more challenging jobs. This was reflected in the politicisation of the Liverpool Dockers. It just doesn't exist in working class industries like it used to. My dad, like so many dockers, I suppose, read Marx and Engels and had a copy of Chairman Mao's Little Red Book. How many workers today would study such radical political philosophies. We're lucky if manual workers even bother to vote these days.
Well I'm going to finish this post with my dad's favourite joke. It's a bit dated now but more than anything sums up the psyche of the Liverpool Docker. Southerners deemed them, militant, lazy and dishonest. But we all know that they were philanthropists in the way that Robert Tressell saw the working classes. Kind hearted men who used their hard graft and manual skills to keep the rich upper classes in the luxury they so enjoyed.
A cargo ship was sailing through the South China sea when it came across a junk full of refugees from Vietnam; so-called Boat People. Their boat was on the point of sinking and the Skipper of the cargo ship ordered his men to throw them a line and get everyone on board.
Once this had been done and having fed the Boat People, the cargo ship continued into Sydney. On arrival there the Australian dockers shouted up;
"What's your cargo Skipper?"
"I've got a load of Boat People here" the Captain replied.
"Oh crikey!" the shout came back, "Take 'em away we don't want any more ethnics here, the place is starting to crawl with them. We're full of Chinese and Abo's we don't want any more."
So taking the hint the Skipper set off and made his way to the USA. On arrival at New York harbour the Yankee dockers shouted up;
"What's your cargo Skipper?"
"I've got a load of Boat People on board," the Captain replied once more.
"Goddammit!" the dockers cursed, "Get them out of here we got race riots all over the city and don't want any more foreigners. We aint taking them off you."
So the forlorn Skipper headed off once more, this time crossing The Pond and making his way into the Mersey Bay, down the river to the Docks. Having tied up the Scouse dockers approached his ship and the shout came up;
"What's your cargo Skipper?"
"Well I've got a load of Boat People I picked up in the South China Sea," the Skipper replied expecting the worst. There was a slight pause and then the shout;
"Are they on pallets..."
Power to the People. Viva la Casa!!!
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